My heart feels released from its jail

“I remember booking the big medicine package (3-Day Energy Genesis Series + Shamanic Healing Session) almost thinking ‘this is... If not, what if I never heal?!’

I hate to say this to a shaman with shrink knowledge but.. The pain had been so hard,so heavy, so stuck to me no matter how much I bathed in all the Epsom salts, the oils never mind the burning of all the shit and the sage, I had given my pain an age limit.

Should I still be this broken in this torturous pain body by 45?

Basically i would let myself suffer 2 more years.

Then?

My children.

And that age limit would go out of the window...

Until the next cruel jokes The Universe sent my way.

And The next episode of all consuming devastation leaving me hungover the next day.

Then I met you.

As soon as I entered your office I felt accepted.

I felt like I could sit, talk and just be me without the fear of being seen for what I have identified myself as in the last 3 years.

The heavy burden of self-inflicted shame rooted from childhood trauma mixed with chronic Lyme disease and an unexpected most disastrous professional year slowly started to melt off me right from our first conversation.

People have asked me ‘what’s it like?! How does it feel in there (Energy Genesis)?!’

I tell them to imagine their most blissed out meditation experience, mixed with the most luxurious massage calming all the senses and feeling safe.

Being in a state of constant flight or fight has made safety a foreign concept to me.

Then the shamanic healing session.

There are parts of my story I have never told a soul.

Secrecy Fuels the viscous cycle that is shame.

Shame becomes its very own parasite: Feeding on anger, sadness, anxiety and helplessness.

When you asked me my story ... I froze.

Then I decided to trust.

It’s all I had left to get back to being a woman.

A mother.

A friend.

A daughter.

A kick ass mental health worker.

And so I trusted.

My Hope was to heal the perma-heartbreak I had cocooned myself in for years.

What happened after?

Was a miracle.

The minute I walked out of your office was the beginning of my new chapter.

My new Beginning.

I have been able to laugh.

I have been able to get out of my house without the long veil of grief dragging behind me entangling each aspect of my life.

What has completely amazed me?

I’m no longer angry.

I’m no longer angry.

Had to write that down twice.

What you saw as a pocket watch during your healing session was the gift of time.

Only to be frozen in time and locked under key.

Only Something magical transformed.

I’ve decided to give myself the gift of..My time.

I’ve decided to ask guidance from my Bear.

I’ve decided to honor my elephant.

I’ve decided to spoil my hummingbirds who were taken from me willingly.

My heart.

My pure ivory heart left to die in a cob of venom-ed webs.

2 weeks later the magic continues.

My body feels released from the inflammation.

My heart feels released from its jail.

My spirit feels free to wander.”

Eternally grateful,

A.W.